Flipping to the Cold Side of the Pillow

Laying in bed, sleepless as always.
Tossing and turning, hesitant on taking sleep meds.
It's that noise, that sound... that sound of complete silence.
So there I lay, face facing up at ceiling.
I start to think about my past, because why not, not like I'm sleeping anytime soon anyways.

I think about my ex of 2 years.
It's been almost 2 years since I let her go.

"What did she do again?", I ask myself.
Remembering that she had some nothing entirely wrong.
The problem was me.

"Well gee Chris, that's cliché. 'Not you it's me'", was that really the case?
It took 2 years for all the shit that I buried deep inside to finally rise to the surface, reminding myself that I never dealt. I just buried it and filled the hole with anything.
I fell in love with my best friend and I didn't even love myself.
I lost the ability to love anyone.
No, she doesn't know all that, she just knows that it wasn't working out.
So, God knows she probably thought I was a cheater or a drug addict.
I cut her out, it was a choice that took so much balls and so much consideration.
I needed to fix myself, to finally deal.
I still care so much for her but I know that we're on very different paths now.
I still feel shitty to. this. day.
But it was my choice and I have to live with it all.
It probably didn't help either that someone else came along shortly after only for me to refill that shitty hole back up again and go back to avoiding it.
Again, ended that one too, realizing it again. That relationships are not going to fix me.
It sucks because it was like I was destroying everyone in my way.
Not their faults, it's all me.

Regardless of why I did it, you can bet everything that I treated them with the utmost respect and sincerity.
Never did I disrespect or bash, as they weren't the problem, I was.

I had a wake up call and fast forward a year later, I'm a transformed man.

Everyone I've had in my life, I will always care for. Doesn't matter what happened.
I just hope for the best for you.

*Flips over pillow, turns body around*

*Sigh..*

"Oh shit, did I leave the light on?"

Omg, shoes.

At the age of 24, I would have never imagined the type of person I've become.
I always envisioned life in the church or in a serious relationship and finished school.
You can never plan your life, you can just try to navigate it the best you can. Like sailing in the ocean. Aiming towards a destination but not knowing what will be waiting there for you when you arrive.

I thought I knew it all, giving my life, my all for a celestial being that I've never seen. Walking by faith, not worried about the future.
I didn't know what to expect, maybe it was my poor planning and faith that it would all work out that led me to where I am today.. To the type of person that I am today.

Regardless, I still believe but it's been a complicated relationship, full of failed promises and triumphs. I can't begin to describe it. Maybe it's like a father son relationship and I've been rebellious.
After your passing, I was weak, full of hatred, alone and didn't know what to believe, let alone keep my head straight.
It took awhile to realize that being sad, weak and unloving were getting me nowhere and it wasn't helping the people around me. I was a cancer.
After almost 3 years I realized that I needed to change, to love again.
To love my family, be their brother, their leader. My family was struggling and I made it my mission to lead them out of those trenches and to provide them with the love that I had for so long kept from them.
Then, I began to realize, when was the last time I worked on myself? Like truly focused on my own self development and personal growth. I barely knew myself and that's when I began to push myself physically and mentally.
I dropped my terrible eating habits, I exercised everyday, meditated consistently, started a new career and got to know myself from the inside out.
I still have so much growth left to me, but through persistence and God I can fill the shoes that my brother left behind.

John always had big feet too. Lol.

Stovetop Thoughts

It's Saturday night, the feeling of exhaustion weighs on me but nonetheless I get up to meal prep for the week. 
As I go to the kitchen, I grab my beanie to wear as a comfort, like pajamas for my head. I grab my earphones and throw on some acoustic jams. 
As the food cooks over the hot stove top, I feel the steam hitting my face and I stare at the oil sizzling and that's when I think about him. 
Why do you come into my thoughts so frequently and yet always so sudden, catching me off guard.

The memories, all the moments leading up to it. 
Your voice, the sound- no the laughs, the anger, the love. How each sounded. It's gets harder to remember everytime it invades my thoughts.
I think of the way you'd look at me, gaining my approval when you spoke and also when you listened to me. How you would talk to me, like brothers do. 
Brothers.
What does that word even mean?

Blood? 
Closeness?
A bond?

I guess I never thought about it, you have been there my whole life, watching over me and me watching over you. Well, mostly me watching over you. 
You were the trouble maker, I was the responsible one. 
But that didn't matter, in the end I realized how much better yo-

"Huh?"

Something's burning.

"Oh.." the chicken.