Laying in bed, sleepless as always.
Tossing and turning, hesitant on taking sleep meds.
It's that noise, that sound... that sound of complete silence.
So there I lay, face facing up at ceiling.
I start to think about my past, because why not, not like I'm sleeping anytime soon anyways.
I think about my ex of 2 years.
It's been almost 2 years since I let her go.
"What did she do again?", I ask myself.
Remembering that she had some nothing entirely wrong.
The problem was me.
"Well gee Chris, that's cliché. 'Not you it's me'", was that really the case?
It took 2 years for all the shit that I buried deep inside to finally rise to the surface, reminding myself that I never dealt. I just buried it and filled the hole with anything.
I fell in love with my best friend and I didn't even love myself.
I lost the ability to love anyone.
No, she doesn't know all that, she just knows that it wasn't working out.
So, God knows she probably thought I was a cheater or a drug addict.
I cut her out, it was a choice that took so much balls and so much consideration.
I needed to fix myself, to finally deal.
I still care so much for her but I know that we're on very different paths now.
I still feel shitty to. this. day.
But it was my choice and I have to live with it all.
It probably didn't help either that someone else came along shortly after only for me to refill that shitty hole back up again and go back to avoiding it.
Again, ended that one too, realizing it again. That relationships are not going to fix me.
It sucks because it was like I was destroying everyone in my way.
Not their faults, it's all me.
Regardless of why I did it, you can bet everything that I treated them with the utmost respect and sincerity.
Never did I disrespect or bash, as they weren't the problem, I was.
I had a wake up call and fast forward a year later, I'm a transformed man.
Everyone I've had in my life, I will always care for. Doesn't matter what happened.
I just hope for the best for you.
*Flips over pillow, turns body around*
*Sigh..*
"Oh shit, did I leave the light on?"
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